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Maryland coach Brenda Frese offers pointed lesson in coaching athletes hard

· Yahoo Sports

Coaching is about building relationships. And when you get to the high school and college levels, it isn’t always warm and fuzzy.

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If you didn’t have that perspective, you might have been surprised by Maryland women’s basketball coach Brenda Frese’s interaction with leading scorer Oluchi Okananwa on the sidelines of the Terrapins' second-round NCAA Tournament game at North Carolina.

At first glance, the tactic could have seemed harsh. Okananwa met Frese on the sidelines, and the longtime coach got right in her face before she could pass.

“So you can see why I get (stuff) done around the house,” Frese’s husband, Mark Thomas, joked in a text to USA TODAY Sports.

Then we read Frese’s lips, and see her pat Okananwa on the shoulder after her fiery message.

“I believe in you, but you gotta want this moment,” the coach said.

Rose DiPaula, the communications director for Maryland women’s basketball, says she had a front row seat for the exchange and heard every word.

“Luchi said I DO WANT THE MOMENT, COACH,” DiPaula said in a post Sunday, March 22, on X, formerly Twitter.

“Coach understands I’m a competitor at heart and I’ve told her this before and I’ll keep on telling her this until forever: I love to be coached hard and that’s what she does with me every single day,” Okananwa said afterward. “And really what that was was a regroup moment for myself and her telling me she believed in me. Because sometimes that’s really all you need to hear.

“It’s a long game, lots of ups and downs, and I feel like after that conversation, that’s when I really went back out (and) just did what I had to do for my team in that moment. So I’m forever appreciative of that.”

Frese didn’t win the game – Maryland lost 74-66 on March 22 – though she likely won over some potential transfers and recruits. She, of course, wants to win, but she takes to heart a larger role that can consume coaches of kids from the youngest ages.

“She considers players achieving their potential one of the primary parts of her job,” Thomas, Frese’s husband, tells USA TODAY Sports. “It’s how she’s built the framework of the program – everything is in place to help them grow as people and players.

“Brenda is a very positive coach. She builds her players up so they think they can do anything. That’s been part of the secret to her success.” 

Thomas says Frese being a parent of teenagers gives her a unique understanding of young people and the growing process. When players (and kids) make mistakes, we want to help them learn from them.

We model our reaction to the person with whom we're dealing.

“It’s always been a pulse that I've been able to have with individuals and players, and we do have to at times have those tough conversations,” says Frese, who has won 688 career games as a Division 1 women’s head coach. “You can't have them without a relationship. You've got to be able to have that. The best of the best, the elite of the elite, want to be coached hard. And at that moment, I kind of had watched Luchi struggle within this tournament, and she's just too gifted. So I kind of wanted to implore just how much belief I had in her and just kind of challenge her. I know what a winner and competitor she is … .

“I knew, it was, like, give it a minute, get her back in, and you saw, she went out, she got a bucket, she got a steal, and  never looked back.”

Frese’s husband says there was a carbon copy sequence in the 2006 national championship game against Duke with another Maryland player, Marissa Coleman. Coleman hit two free throws to seal the Terrapins’ win.

“She doesn’t go to that level often, but she has a good feel for the moment and the player,” Thomas says. “The great ones want to be challenged.”

I profiled Dan Soviero, a former Division 1 lacrosse player who is now a youth sports entrepreneur, in a column last weekend. He says as parents, we need to scrutinize our kids’ coaches but also understand the level and role.

“ ‘OK, this guy is a good guy he's coaching, he's volunteering his time,' ” Soviero says, “or he's a paid coach and he's not giving the service that I'm paying for.’ There's a difference between the two.”

As parents, we need to be able to adjust to more rugged coaching as our kids get into their teens if we truly want them to achieve their long-term sports goals. As athletes, we can also respond affirmatively instead of taking it as a slight:

 “We need to keep encouraging our young athletes to advocate for themselves while building thick armor,” says Linda Martindale, a boys high school varsity basketball coach in the Boston area and Frese’s former teammate at Arizona. “You can be compassionate and tough at the exact same time.”

Adam Archuleta, a former NFL safety and current CBS NFL analyst, was among the droves of people who applauded Frese’s heavy-handed coaching.

“I believe that to truly become an elite competitor, an athlete needs one or more people in their life to test them: Physically, Emotionally, and Psychologically – to a level the athlete cannot imagine,” Archuleta posted on X. “The caveat: That person cannot be your mother or father.”

In Frese’s case, she has twin sons, Markus and Tyler, who are juniors in high school and athletes. Frese said in a 2023 interview she sits quietly and watches them when she can make it to their events. She lets their coaches handle them.

“She doesn’t really do that with the boys and me,” says Thomas, referring to Sunday’s moment that went viral, “but it’s fun to joke.”

Borelli, aka Coach Steve, has been an editor and writer with USA TODAY since 1999. He spent 10 years coaching his two sons’ baseball and basketball teams. He and his wife, Colleen, are now sports parents for two high schoolers. His Coach Steve column is posted weekly. For his past columns, click here.

Got a question for Coach Steve you want answered in a column? Email him at [email protected]

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: How Maryland coach's viral moment has insight on tough love

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